She wish to go on a road trip and never come back home, wherever that is. She was right all along, that she shouldn’t have built any relationship with another breathing organism, including blood related circles. It’s not hate, she was sure of that. It has something to do with the noises the others made including all the smallest detail and breathing in particular. Breathing was supposed to be in silence.
She took her phone with her to the bathroom and sat at her throne for the morning prayer. Switched off the alarm, checked her emails and read a few page of her month long pending books. She washed her face while contemplating if she should do some exercise or maybe a walk, or simply sit by the living door in its stillness. The street lights and the early bids whooshing one at a time by the road in front the apartment is a sight to see. She choose coffee and silence. Curled in the sofa with the cup in her knees, she closed her eyes, sipping the coffee after every sniff, then a quick roam at the view in front. One by one, the windows and living rooms of the units from the apartments across theirs is starting to feel alive. She could imagine the rush currently brewing in each of those squares. A college kid cramming for the upcoming test while mindlessly eating to what is supposed to be breakfast, a slice of bread and already cold coffee. Dads got to get out early today, a meeting he never enjoyed is about to happen and he needs to come up with one liners, ideas out of this world and maybe excuses for any additional shifts he does not want to attend. Moms are of course, amidst the idea of possible late arrival at work, missed breakfast, incomplete presentation materials, shouldn’t go out unkempt. She got to hide that eyebags she earned after an overnight chitchat with a friend from another town, obsessing about the new shade of eye shadow. She got to make sure she looks like she managed to feed everyone before her, clean after everyone and oh, forget about herself, the society wont care about that.
She intentionally set the ringer before the sunrise for the next day. These days, as long as there is light, the chaos is uncontrollable and she just melt away to go with the crowd. Her very chatty partner who seems to have never ending stories about just everything, her housemates who are always new to the house, and the busy streets just outside. Where is the extra spoon, where is the chocolate last night, have you seen my snacks. She got all the answers, except she doesn’t seem to know almost everything outside. Without the social media she is wired to all day, she wouldn’t be able to join any conversation between her friends.
Life has just turn 360 and she knew right from the start that this is what she is dreaming. This is exactly what she prayed almost every day back then. So silently, she whispered all the self affirmation she manage to write down on her mini notebook, where she also writes all her goals for the year, for the next five and ten years. There is a passage in this book she used to love to read in her 20’s, “when you ask for a rain, be prepared with an umbrella.”, that appears to be completely true now.
Her umbrella might not just be large enough, but she is ready to build more ribs and maybe rip a few of the curtains to cover up. She is one tough woman, she told herself. Nothing can make her walk back home, she is set to journey into her own castle and if necessary, she is willing to put down trees for warmth, and maybe hunt a few deer for survival.
Then the sun arrived. It didn’t knocked, no signs, it just started painting the horizon orange. Very light and pinkish, as if it already washed its face and did a bit of glow up. The city she is in is not so sunrise friendly, no sea waves to burry her thoughts, no clear skies, and everything seems to be under the shadow of the buildings everyone built in pursuit of comfort and happiness. But all she can see is a skeleton of a tired city all trying to double their pace and everyone trying to escape from something. Funny how everyone run to the city for a better and comfortable life, but once you’re in, all you wanted to do is save enough loot to be able to escape and maybe build a bunker away from the smoky and noisy streets. Maybe earn a pass to be able to swipe for medicines, education, a bit of treats and a taste of pleasure.
It is as if somebody switched the light outside, everything is visible now, and in about a minute, one by one, her housemates will come out of their shells. The day has begun and day dreaming should be put on hold now.
“I had a bad fish”
It will be his 6th mug for the day and they no longer think its his norm. They know his habits and that they havent seen him consume mug after mug of coffee in a short span of time. He would have 2 to 3 coffee after lunch but its taken while eyes are on his computer monitor or when he is on a meeting or simply while he is working.
He had stayed in the pantry the longest amongst everyone in the office, and today, he sat there like it was his home. He felt so in need of relaxation, intervention or simply help.
Everybody is going home and the office desk has been cleaned. He could hear women employees going back and forth to the powder room, re-touching make ups, getting the hair done, making their looks back to human. The work day is almost done and they are ready to go out and be humans again.
But he had been neither today. No keyboard click on his desk, the mouse stayed on its den, the monitor slept the entire day. He didnt move a thing on his desk. Yet he was not a human today. His spirit wander too far today and decided not to comeback.
When clients call and look for him, they had a list of excuses to tell to. The small office had decided to come up with a list so nobody get caught. He knew about the list and didn’t mind about it.
It was a strange day, and if his employees hadn’t known him, him being a weirdo, they would have think he is crazy. But they knew something was off and that he wouldn’t share it. Its either he is looking for a solution or mending an emotion.
On days like this, they knew one thing about him.
He had a bad fish. What it means, they dont know as well.
He simply had a bad fish.
만월
fullness of the moon
혼자서, 늘 혼자서, 속마음 접었는데
Alone, all alone, I covered my thoughts
숨겨온 그리움이
The yearning I’ve hidden
시나브로 부풀어서
swells little by little,
어느세
however
내 가슴 가득
my heart is full.
차오르는 얼굴이여
it shows on my face
따스한 그 속살에 포근히 안겨보니
I wanna hug that warm bare skin
아, 나 오늘밤
Oh, tonight.
비로소 둥글어졌네
it has come full circle
이제는
now
아쉬움 없네
I have no regrets
기울어도 가득하겠네
I’d be satisfied even if I lean
This is just a rough translation. I also reconstructed few lines English, to work on the thoughts I wanted to convey.
읽었어 감사합니다.
옷어 봐~~~~
아이고 이뻐라~~~~
***this poem series is gonna be all by 이남순
I have been thinking of putting my Korean language study a level higher. But I didn’t want that stress that could possibly come with it. There are quite a few programs out there that offers self study the easy way.
So yes, I am going to do it in my own way. I love reading and making poems since, but I just have to study Korean first. So to keep doing what I love while learning the language, I decided to translate the poem collection book my teacher gave me. I will try all my best not to use translator directly. I will try to look for the translation of each word then arrange the entire poem in my own English version.
Anyone who might see lapses, or any thing to say about my works, comments are all welcome. NO WORRIES, I am good with criticism.
자… 여러번, 한국의 타이핑 기술을 연습하려고합니다. 저는 또한 더 많은 한국어 배우기 위해 시를 영어로 번역하려고 노력할 것입니다.
한국어 도 아직 잘해 못해요. 그래서, 잘못한 번역 있어면, 코멘트 하세요.
이것은 제가 번역하려고하는 책이에요. 제 다음 블로그 보자.
오늘, 제 시를 번역 할거예요.
Knowledge becomes skills when executed,
지식은 실행될 때 기술이됩니다.
Skills becomes wisdom when replicated.
기술은 복제될 때 지혜가됩니다.
And wisdom, is what you share to your next generation.
그리고 지혜, 당신이 차세대에 공유하는 것이비다.
That is what a smart woman does.
그것은 똑똑한 여성이하는 일입니다.
The war is over.
Your toddler is now snoozing, the bedroom is a bit tidy and the living room is somehow livable now. Forget the kitchen, there is a time for it. You will eventually clean the dishes when you need utensils. Microwave is empty and the fridge still has a single space for a slice of bread you didn’t finished because the biggest kid in the house (your husband) needed your assistance looking for his socks.
Everything seems okay now. OR maybe, in all honesty, there are actually tons of things needed to be accomplished. But the toddler is asleep. Suddenly there is freedom in the house. Now that you have a freehand, you cant even decide what to do. You don’t even want to move a single inch away from your snoozing toddler.
Until you realize what you actually want, maybe a 30 seconds sleep while you’re free to close your eyes. So just beside your little ones bed, you pull out a pillow and a blanket, no, you don’t need a bed.
But heck. When you are all stretched there like drunk and eyes closed, your brain started working. Down the lane of “what if’s” and “what’s for dinner” till every bit of nonsense things. Who needs sleep, you need to think about these things now while you can. Because later, when the little one is awake, you will be busy going back and forth. From putting food in the table, getting shower, putting to bed, picking the baby up because she just wont sleep, messing the living room again with all the broken toys, adding another pile of laundry; and all you will be asking and thinking through out this time is “when can I sleep?”.
Mad Thoughts 